So Dot has been home for a little over a week now. I can still remember the day of her surgery the doctor telling us as long as everything continues to go well, she will be able to go home in a couple of weeks. I couldn't believe we were finally here! For awhile I refused to let myself believe it. Then as we got closer I felt excitement and happiness to be able to finally have our family back together. Then as the day got even closer, some new unexpected emotions set in. Emotions that no one has ever talked about when you have a baby in the NICU.
The first strange and overwhelming emotion I felt was fear. I realized I was absolutely terrified to bring my little miracle home. For 5 1/2 months my baby had been cared for and taken care of by nurses and doctors. I was NOT a nurse or a doctor. What if she stopped breathing? What if her feeding tube falls out? What if she refuses to ever take a bottle? What if she can't handle being home? All these questions running through my head making me more and more afraid something would go wrong, and maybe it wasn't time for Dot to come home just yet. At least not until I had completed nursing school...
Because of all the fear, my anxiety was through the roof. When it comes to unknown situations, I am a worrier. I constantly worry about how the situation might play out and think of all possible outcomes so that I can prepare. But I really didn't know how to prepare for this. At home, we had a schedule worked out pretty well. How would Dot fit into this schedule? Could I do it all? I was anxious how Dot would react to being around her sisters and the home environment all the time. I worried it would all be too much for her at once. Her sisters are movin and groovin, which is great, but what if they accidentally hurt Dot? On the outside I was calm and excited, but inside I was a knotted up mess.
I felt so sad and guilty inside because I felt like I should be more excited about my last baby coming home. I wanted to be as excited as I looked. Don't get me wrong, I was happy and excited to have her home, but I just didn't know if I was prepared to handle it all. I was terrified it would all fall apart if I couldn't handle it, and my babies would be the ones to suffer. With Alyx and Luci I knew their likes and dislikes, what makes them giggle and cry, when they are scared or angry. I realized with Dot, the nurses knew these things better than I did. I felt guilty because I hadn't bonded with my baby to know these things yet. I felt like the worst mother ever, and that feeling is awful.
The first night she was home I didn't sleep much at all. Every little sound and beep woke me up and had me running to her room to check her. A few times I went to her room just to watch her breathing. Even though I knew she had a monitor to tell me everything was ok, I just needed to see for myself. The first day was tough. Working out a schedule was most important so not knowing what Dot's schedule would be was a little tricky. Thank goodness I had my husband to lean on that day. Even with 2 of us there, it was still a little hectic. Mark and I went through everything together, setting up her feeds, hooking up her tube, putting on her sensor, checking her monitors,etc. By the end of the day, with my hubby's help, I felt a little more confident.
I was definitely worried about the first day by myself, but as it turns out, I was able to manage everything pretty well. Now here's the silver lining to my story...it's not all bad. Once Dot was home, I could see how much happier she was now. She giggles and smiles all the time. She wants to be on the floor with her sisters. She loves her room that we set up for her. And best of all, I have had some major bonding time with my baby. I no longer have to schedule a time to see her. I can be with her and love on her whenever I want. I can tell you without a doubt what makes my baby happy and sad, what makes her giggle and cry, what she is scared of and what makes her angry. Being home has been the best thing for Dorothy Jo. She has even started taking the bottle a little at a time.
I wanted to share this because just in case someone else ever has to go through the NICU experience (I don't wish that for anyone.), know that you are not alone in these feelings. And if you know someone going through the NICU roller coaster, know that they could be feeling the same way.
I will say that I can now fully 100% say I am so glad to be home with all my babies, and I know I can handle this. All my fears, doubt, anxiety, and guilt have faded away. I just feel love for my family (and some exhaustion)!
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